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Nowhere Man

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Posted:     Post subject: Nowhere Man

Despite the way I present myself in my messages, I'm buried in memories.

I don't know where to begin. I'm not even sure as to why I'm going to a message board rather than someone I know.

I loved her. I damn loved her. I sacrificed many of my beliefs for her. I'm 24. She was 35. Big age difference, but she wasn't playing with me and she was beauty and mind in one. We met last year, not too long, but long enough. We dated for a few weeks before committing to each other. We drank and smoked with each other, held each other, but we kept S-- off the table until we could know each other. I introduced her to my family when we were serious, after we told each other the truth and loved. My family hated her. What does a "cougar", a "----", a woman with years want with me was their thought. They even made up lies. Obvious lies. Said she was a heroin junkie because they say her "track marks". Funny thing was, I've never seen them when she was naked before me and they wouldn't be able to because she wore long sleeves whenever they saw her.

She had family problems and I was done with mine. We decided to make our own mark. We traveled California and lived in various places. We struggled but we made it. Somehow.

A few months ago, last year, she was pregnant with my child. I was going to be a father. I cried out of all the joy I felt. I put away my differences and called my family. I was going to be a father. Neither of us believed in marriage, but we wanted a ceremony in the name of our love and the child. I was willing to do anything for them.

She started getting sick. She was having complications. I would go days awake to help her. She started to become aggressive as time went on. Called me names and made me feel worthless, but I was there and dedicated. She accessed my email and read a conversation I was having with a M2F girl long before we even met. I just didn't go online anymore. She knew I was bisexual for I told her when we dated. She was bi herself. She used that as a weapon. I didn't want to quit on her. I knew when the baby came we would be back at peace. The child never came.

She chose to end the pregnancy. She didn't want to, she had to because it was so bad for her. It killed me inside to know our child's life was at risk. But I kept myself together. I knew it was for her health and that no one will be blamed. We never blamed each other for the decision. But it changed her and it changed me. She became violent and physically attacked me several times. Gave up on going out and stayed inside to smoke all day. I became depressed. Really depressed. I felt I let her down. I wanted to go back to laughter and compassion. I didn't want anymore yelling and pain. I tried to commit suicide several times. I overdosed and now suffer a messed up stomach. Once, in the midst of an argument over nothing, she hit me, I wanted to hit something. Instead of hurting her, I decided to pace in the bathroom. I broke. I smashed a light bulb and jammed it in my wrist. She cried and I was afraid. I wasn't afraid of dying. I was afraid of the way I looked at her. I couldn't feel a thing. No pain, no anger, no love. I was empty.

I decided to leave. I couldn't stand what we were doing to each other. I couldn't stand it.

i haven't heard from her since I left and I destroyed a lot in order to forget her. I destroyed pages of poetry and writing, my cellphone, anything. I only kept a pair of socks she gave me when we started dating. Still have them.

I miss her. I want to simply make sure she's doing well. I want her to be happy without me, even if I'm miserable without her. I loved her. I love her.

I'm not the same anymore. I'm cocky. I used to be modest. I talk to myself. I don't know why. I was recovering from depression, schizophrenia, and OCD. I was doing so well. When I was with her, I was finally normal. I don't even know where I am anymore. My psychiatrist and therapist don't know. I barely sleep. If I do, it's only for a few hours. I took up drinking again. I've almost been in more fights this past month than I have all my life. I don't even believe in resolution through violence. I don't know what I'm becoming.

I joined this site because I wanted to make a friend. I want to close old chapters and move ahead. I want understanding and peace.

I loved her so much. I hope she can forgive me.

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Posted:     Post subject:

`i actually read this dude. good luck with your quest and I hope you both forgive each other

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October 12, 2010
Posts: 101

PostPosted:     Post subject:
Reply with quote
`love hurts,

my first love where very deprssing and there where suiside rumours that she would kill herself because I got together with a guy who loved me but she where in love with. in the end I broke up with him. since I couldt stand all these pressure, but I know people are still blamming or myself,
for what happent..
in a way I felt the story is simular to yours even if it 2 diffrent situations..
but times moves on, and people learn to survive, what dosent kill you makes your stronger.

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