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![]() Posted: Post subject: Once upon a time... |
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Once upon a time there were two strangers crossing a bridge going the opposite direction when an earthquake shook the bridge rendering it almost unpassable. Below the bridge the flood waters raged and crashed into the support beams of the bridge shaking one of the people off the bridge. Lucky for her, she was able to grasp ahold on some of the rocks to stop her from plunging into the raging waters. The spashes from the water crashed against the rocks and from time to time smashed her aginst them. The person on the bridge shouted, "hang on, hang on, I see some rope, I will toss it down and pull you up." Hanging on for dear life, the woman holding on to the rocks shouted, "hurry, hurry, I don't know how much longer I can hold on." The person on the bridge retreived the rope and tosed the opposite end for her to grap ahold of. The person on the bridge shouted, "Wrap the rope around your waist and start climbing." The woman did what was asked of her and tried to climb up. The person atop the shaking bridge pulled with all her might. The water, increasingly getting deeper and deeper, finally was rising to the woman's waist as she tried with all her strength to climb up, but the weight of the water and its force was pressing her aginst the rocks making it impossible for her to climb up without additional help. Meanwhile, atop the bridge, the person was screaming, "Hurry, hurry, climb up to me before its too late, the bridge is about to collaspe into the flood waters, you have to help me save you!" The woman shouted up, "I can't, I can't, the force of the water is too strong, I can't!" The woman on the bridge cried out, "You have too, try harder, I can't hold you any longer." With all her might she was able to pull herself up a few feet to get out of the water's force, but she was now completely exhausted and cried up, "You will have to pull me up the rest of the way, I can hardly move, I have barely enough strength to hold on to the rope." At that moment the bridge began to shake and part of it fell into the raging waters below. The woman on top the bridge let go of the rope and ran to safety, never looking back to see if the woman made it out or not.
How many of us have been in this situation as compared to a real life experience? Family bails on us, friends bail on us and we are left to climb out of a situation all on our own. Its nice to have a little help or at least care, but we are shy too. We don't know who we can trust. For that matter, what does trust really mean? Are we capeable of it anymore? Do we deserve to be trusted? Maybe, maybe not. We are all on a shakey bridge at one time or another, which could collaspe and we can only help so much. Those we are helping at one point or another have to find the enegry to climb up and some of them may have to do it without us.
I am often asked, what is it about myself that needs understanding? Its the pain that transgenders know so well and having the strength to do something about it and climb up that cliff against all odds to be who they actually are. I write, but sometimes no one responds. I think its because they are on a shaky bridge themselves. Are you looking for someone to pull you up or do you want to be loved for who you are and all you are trying to acheive to be yourself? We really don't know who we are talking to, but eventually, we take a chance and hope for the best. I know the pain too and its someone who understands the pain, the days of not wanting to live just because its life, wanting to let go of the rope and fall into the raging water letting it all go. Nothing comes easy.
I cling to the rocks with the raging waters nipping at my heels and I know that pain. I want to be sure that in my next relationship, I am with a survivor and someone who knows the pain, because its then life can start a new. At some point, we have to move forward with our decisions and hope we did the best that we could to make a good one.
I am who I am as well. Positive thinking is hard work. I think of some of the blogs I have read and profiles I have reviewed and I see some cries for help. I could be the person on the bridge, but I have limitations too just like everyone else. But the last thing I want to see is out of despiration someone willing to take chances with their safety. I am thinking of someone who is thinking of going to New York City for a modeling position. I stop and think that this is a beautiful 18 year old transgender who would be leaving the love of her family to go to a city where thousands of young people go every year and are never heard of again. The ----ography, the prostitution and everything else that goes with it might sound like the fastest easiest way to pay for the surgery she despirately wants, but the risks of winding up in a hate snuff film or catching disease in forced prostitution are also real in the Big Apple.
There is an old saying, "Don't jump out of the grease into the frying pan." Sometimes when we look back, we wish we had the problems of only a year ago, because things can get worse.
I ask everyone to be carefull and be wise and not to give into feelings of despiration. Rome wasn't built in a day. Its part of the pain and the people in your life have limatitions, they might have to let go. We are all strong enough to climb the cliff on our own and no one said it would be easy. Its nice to be around people who at least know how hard it is.
Thanks for listening and please post a response if you have one. Please try to help those who may be in need of a little guidence. Its noble not to add to the problem, but to be a solution. Guidence with experience to those who are younger and at risk. Being a mentor is something you really can feel good about.
Chris
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![]() Posted: Post subject: |
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Hello to all who are keeping up with reading new posts,
I finally had the pleasure of a member who took some valuabe time to respond to me personally about once upon a time. Often I wondered why more haven't contacted me as most seem to be looking for something real to add into their lives as opposed to the plastic fasade that surrounds the topic of being transgendered. While I do not understand or pretend to understand everything, I do have an open mind and live as someone who is no stranger to change. I know the concept of change doesn't even scratch the surface of those who have the real experience of being trapped in the wrong body, but I am genuine. I read many profiles and most that I am attracted to are saying they want a hetro man. That is who I am, and while most guys think with their little head first, I like to think I have rose above that mind set to an enlightened sense of being and I should at my age anyway.
Before I discuss the corespondance I had with a new member, I wondered if anyone has ever seen the Law & Order episode dealing with a transgendered relationship, where she didn't tell the man she loved that she still needed to complete the physical change with surgery. As it turned out, she was threatened by her lover's brother as he discovered her secret. Because she was abandoned by her mother and father and chased after violently while in high school, she lashed out and accidently killed her lover's brother. After the SPVU began to question both her and her lover, the truth came out and her lover killed himself over learning the truth. She was forced to lawyer up and her lawyer wanted to bring national attention to the case, but a deal was on the table for manslaughter in the first degree. To make a long story short, she was gang in prison and beaten to the point no one could recognize her. This is exactly the point I am trying to get everyone to think. I belive those on this site are shy. They know the dangers and the problems with society not understanding them. For me, I am a medical student and I see and feel the reality. I wish it were a perfect world, but it isn't. There are real dangers for the transgenders and I often see, young, beautiful people and older beautiful people, I don't want to see anyone harmed for exercising there personal freedom to be who they want to be. So, if you are one of those freaky fettish guys or someone who is looking for someone to harm, just because they are different and you subscribe to hate and violence, take my advice and leave this site alone. You are greatly outnumbered here and your presence isn't wanted. I don't subscribe to violence and belive the "normal" biological women these days are more nasty and violent than ever, so go where you are wanted. I can't speak for everyone, but I am not sure what I would do if I found the love of my life here on this site and she told me you or your kind harmed her or harrassed her. Keep that in mind while you decide to play with what you don't understand. Passion is nothing to play with. I don't wish everyone to have the wrong idea about me. I like --- and I like trying new things having imagination. Simply put, I don't mind if the love of my life wants to play like a dirty little whore, so long as she is my dirty little whore. Sharing --- partners or cheating is like sharing the same toliet paper to me or like passing around the same piece of chewing gum everyone else has already chewed on and tasted. What is left? A nasty piece of toliet paper or a tough piece of gum and who wants that?
Now, on to my corespondence. I am posting this with her permission to help others. We want to hear from you. And if you wish to email me instead of posting on your own, that's ok with me. She asked me not to use her exact words or post all of them. I hope there is something here for everyone to take and incorperate into their interactions.
Hi,
I just finished reading your post "Once upon a time". I found the post interesting. I hope that the person you were writing about is safe and doing well.
Your point about the pain that transgender people go through is very apt, but not well understood...there are fetishists and there are the genuine ones...society believes that all transgender people are fetishists or that transgender people have a choice...inside their head. The non-transgender people who write to me do not understand that I am not one of those fetishists. I do not have a choice. All my life has been a struggle. Although I do not live full time as female, I am easily passable as female and I go out regularly in public. However, it is hard to make friends. Well, it is hard to find good friends anyway, and when you have a gender issue, it becomes even harder. I do not like to lie about my gender issue, but the moment I tell someone about it, the friendship ceases to exist. I seem to be running into people who value me more as a --- object and less as a human being who deserves a friend. I think I am climbing up the rope more than half way, but there`s nobody on the other end.
Of course, there are many people who write. I have received hundreds of messages, and I began to trust one after a while. He promised to meet me in a nearby town, he wanted my phone number to let me know when he would arrive and check into a hotel. The day we were supposed to meet, I was ready to leave. His call never came. I called up the hotel where he said he had reserved a room. Nobody by that name ever reserved any room there. My phone number was sold to marketing companies. He also tracked my name from the phone records and began to make prank calls from untraceable numbers. This has been my experience with the only person I trusted.
How do we know whom to trust?
There`s nobody on the bridge for most of us. Even if there is, it is not easy for us to tell. Most industries will not hire someone with a gender issue. Our society itself creates the situation in which the only means of livelihood for transgender people, especially MtF transgenders, is to sell their bodies - modeling, ----, prostitution, etc. I realized this during my teen years and I made the decision to focus on my education and career instead of transitioning. That decision has helped me live a decent life. However, it is now too late for me to transition. Testosterone during puberty has changed a lot of things. Undoing all that through surgeries is not feasible.
I had to choose between having a safe life and a life in which I could life full time in the gender congruent with my brain. I chose the former. I do not regret my choice. Had I chosen the latter, I would not have a safe life and I would not have a perfectly female life either. Growing up as a girl is a precious experience I would never have anyway. Having a baby of my own is another experience I can never have. So there were choices to be made. I think I have chosen the best I could, given the constraints in our society. I can only hope that transgender kids growing up now and the ones to be born in the future have better choices.
I hope you find the one you are looking for.
R
Hi R,
I was finally able to open your message. I actually understand everything you expressed and I am sorry you had a bad experience. It sounds to me the man who is doing this to you is insecure with his emotions and while he decided to meet you, his insecurity prevented him from actually processing his own thoughts and identiy. Like Froid said, we have three egos that conflict inside us and the ID likes to poke out and make a mess of things. Its easy to see him for actually what he is isn`t it? A pathetic confused soul doomed to wander until he eventually loses the key to his soul forever.
Personally, I know what you mean about knowing who you are from an early age. I always felt I was forced to behave like a man and assume the role of a man in a relationship which meant keeping my feelings and emotions to myself. Many think I am an emotional man and this threatens some people. I have experienced problems andsome doctors have asked me if I am gay, I no, because I do not think of my self as gay. Frankly, I am attracted to the body of a woman. I like the curves and I have some curves of my own. I often wanted to be a woman, but if I were, I would be a lesbian. Sounds silly, but its true. I can get close to women, but they are expecting a man inside and when I come out as a woman, thinking like a woman, it freaks them out and they pick at me. Sometimes, I hate them socially. I am confusing to them most of the time. I have found that I attract lesbian type of women, or mostly bisexual, because after they get to know me, it comes out as it is something inside them they are trying to shut off and they can share it with me. I don`t mind that, until I get board. With intellengence, becomming board with life and wanting to look for avenues to explore new experinces becomes a reality.
I was married for 17 years. At the end, my ex said she thought I was gay, this occured after she expored women and was turned on, but she left me for another man. I did love her very much, but she let her confusion get the best of her and ran from it. I dealt with my boardness in the same way you are, with lots of interests and hobbies along with a career and degrees.
I could imagine you have plenty to do. Here in rural Indiana, its safe, but full of red necks. I also have to be careful. There are plenty of drunk, red neck bisexuals who will stick there d--- into anything that moves, but I don`t. I have only had one experience with a male and that is when I was 13 years old. No intercourse, but he presuaded me to let him have oral --- with me. That exprience inlightened me, but I knew I was attracted to females from that point, however I seek understanding and hope to find someone who can offer me both means of satisfaction, if that makes any sense. Plenty of men have commented that I have the hips of a woman, even my sister and she was angry about it. These men have come on to me, and I turn them down. Men are mostly looking to get their rocks off, and that turns me off. I also turn down women who are only looking for ---. I would rather the --- come after deciding there is potential to get along and spend some considerable time together and to be there for each other. Life is brutal.
I hope this all makes sense and I would be interested in your take. I wish I got hundreds of emails, but I don`t.
Von
Hi Von,
Sorry to hear about the way your relationship with your ex ended. I guess she just does not get the difference between gender identity and ------ orientation. In addition, the divorce rate in this country is over 50%. The reason is because people are only physically attracted to what they believe that other person represents. There is no effort in understanding the deeper personality of a potential mate. People have been socially programmed to think, act and behave in a strictly adherent traditional gender role. They cannot see or understand anything beyond the way they have been programmed.
Nobody on earth is perfectly male or perfectly female. Such a creature cannot exist. A perfect male would have no estrogen and hence would have character traits that modern civilization would not accept. In addition, high testosterone levels will raise metabolic rates and also result in several health issues, including heart disease. A perfect female would have no testosterone. She would have too much fat deposit and no real energy to do anything useful. She would die a sluggish death. Everyone is somewhere in between. That`s physical gender. Then there`s reproductive type, which depends on what role you can play in creating offspring. Then there`s ------ orientation. Then there`s a gender that`s inside your brain, which is formed before birth. And finally, society has traditional gender roles. Most people, who cannot think beyond their social programming, cannot understand the distinct differences between these methods of classification. They cannot understand that mental gender is a spectrum or continuous scale, not -------- categories such as with reproductive type. Everyone is both male and female in terms of gender in their heads and in their bodies. What varies is the degree of maleness or femaleness. On that they have no control. Society simplifies it by brainwashing people since childhood, but some people cannot be brainwashed. People with neurological differences cannot be brainwashed or hypnotized. In addition, about 1% of the population cannot be hypnotized for totally unknown reasons. Finally, there`s a new article that shows how 95% of the people in the world behave like sheep. They cannot think for themselves and merely obey and follow the rest.
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So don`t loose heart. You are different and the ignorant sheep-like people cannot understand that. I would say you should be yourself.
R
Hi R,
Wow! I wasn`t expecting such an intelectual reply. You know your way around the issue. I understand where you are coming from and while I have the practical experience, I lack the sources you must have indulged. I do believe it is a physical medical issue that needs resolution and not simply a product of depression or dysphoria. I think the dysphoria we hear about is the brain processing both the internal and external stimuli in an attempt to make a decision. The lack of monetary assets drives some to make a poor decision, but it sounds to me you have made a good one for your self to survive in this world.
I don`t know if I have disclosed to you that I am only a few months from becomming a nurse. The occupation feeds my compasionate side. I spent so long as a sales person that I felt like a taker, when in fact I am a giver. I don`t fit in the business world anymore. I don`t like to lie. I earned a living by providing a solution, but these days, the solutions belong to only the largest in the industry who can afford to cultivate the market. On a simple platu, take the notion of a decongestant. Psudoephridine has killed many people including sports stars as well as highschool players. Phynelephrine has been out as long as Psudoephrine, but all the huge pharma companies chose Psudoephrine for their allergy products. Finally, after many deaths, Pizer comes out and says they are switching the ingreedent in their allergy meds toPhynelephrine and claims they did a huge study in England proving its safety. There were hundreds of small companies in the parma industry that were using Phynelephrine for over 30 years in the United States, and they never came close to matching the profits of Pizer combined. We have to ask why? Its like you say, 95% are sheep and follow the advertisments on TV and what is printed on race cars and so on. That is sad, when all those deaths could have been avoided. I guess people feel so strongly about following the herd they are willing to die in the process.
I am sure you have thought through your situation untill you are exhausted. However, you are young. The transistion for some is a mistake and they lose potential employment opportunities. Everything could become more difficult than it already is right now, but for many, the transisiton works out. As you pointed out, the divorce rate is high and even the transitioned experience divorce. On the positive side, your female assets won`t age as a true female and you may not experience the disease process as you age. While you won`t be able to experience a child growing within you, you can freeze your sperm and have a chance to have your own child. The costs are high. However, you can find alternatives and I bet you have learned about how you can afford the changes. For instance, I have heard that in California, some get SRS at a reduced cost or even free. Also, there is more experienced physicians overseas in Korea. The point is, you are free to make the decision and should you decide to do so, I will be your friend and will be there for you to write to. I know the transisiton requires a stable mind and I can tell from your writing that pours out of you like water into a glass, that you have pondered the notion of making the change for quite some time. I think people shy away not just because they don`t understand, but they weigh out a time factor and a needs factor. When you express your desire to be a physical woman, they see a problem they don`t have time to understand. If you pin them down, most will say if that is what you want, then go for it. The idea is that you will always have a secret that you won`t be able to share with just anyone. Not even if you are in a relationship for years and years like I was. I don`t think you will ever be able to forget that you were born male. But, its like you said, there is not perfect male or female, so why sweat the small stuff and if it bothers you that much, then the change isn`t the right thing to do for you.
Please tell me, have you ever tried to hurt yourself? I can completely understand and I don`t want you to do that.
It was very nice of you to respond so quickly. I hope you understand me. The worse result of a transition is making a bad decision where it would have been wiser to leave things as they are. The idea is for you to look and be female to be happy with your decision. I have seen some where I wonder what they will ever do and the decision is worse for them regardless of how they actually feel inside before or after SRS, they will never be received socially either way after SRS, but in most of these cases, they took matters into their own hands and ignored the opinions of the professionals.
However, if you are already confused by others as female, then you are miles ahead of what I am talking about. I would like to see a picture of you.
I won`t ask for you phone number or address. Right now I can`t even afford a cell phone and I can`t afford to travel.
Sincerely,
Von
PS, Would you mind if I posted our corespondence on my post. I think our conversations will help many people.
Hi Von,
Thanks for reading through! Hey, just because I`m transgender, it does not mean I`m not intelligent. In fact, I can understand more things in the world than the regular human being can because I am transgender.
Some people have a gender conflict with their own bodies. The gender inside their head does not match their physical gender. Society worsens the problem for a lot of them. What is the necessity that if someone is female in their brains should have a female body? Within a subgroup, it is essential for their mental congruity. The transgender children form part of this subgroup. For the rest, the anguish is caused due to society programming them since childhood.
Some others are quite comfortable with their own bodies. Their conflict is with the traditional gender roles. For this group of people, it is not necessary to transition. All they need is access to feminine things or to express their feminine traits. Women can do that all the time. You will always find women in the men`s section at stores. We never question them. We assume it is normal. However, the moment you find a man in the women`s section, your mind does not find that normal. You see, these are the things that are a result of being brainwashed by society since childhood. Just let people be. Let them do whatever they want in their personal lives as long as it doesn`t hurt anybody.
No, I have not tried to hurt myself. Life is too beautiful and too precious to do that. The religious people believe in an afterlife or heaven or hell or whatever else. I believe in nothing. I prefer to "think" and to "know", not to "believe". Nobody knows about another life. Even if you get another life, it is not the same as this life. We may never have another chance to live this life. I want to make the most of this life I have. And my body is the only body I will ever have so I will not mutilate it. About transition, I might or might not do that. I`ll decide about it if and when I have enough reasons to do it. Transition is not mutilation. The process of transition is the "conversion" of reproductive organs to the extent possible (the doctors use the same tissue, only invert the organs), not cut and throw away everything as is believed by the ignorant people.
Sorry, I do not share my pictures online.
Please do not post the entire conversation or my name in the forums or in public sites. You can pick things we have discussed and quote me in the middle of your sentences.
Take care!
R
I hope I have done R justice. I felt she expressed exactly what was on her mind, peacefully and with demonstrationg how superior her mind realy is. She loves her life and found comfort and I think she is very strong and brave. I didn't mean to come across as expressing that I didn't think she was intellegent or that transgendering is mutulating the body. In fact, I think the opposite. I see beautiful people who want to look how they feel and it is extreemly important for them. I don't think the dysphoria fits everyone who simply did't get a fair biological shake. I think the dysphoria is the mind trying to make a rash decision going against everything they have been taught and told while growing up.
God bless the parents who have supported their children and for knowing who their children are. For those of you lucky enough to go through the change young, with the support or one or both parents, you should be kissing their feet.
Sincerely,
Von
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