PC with a TS ~ How to communicate with a Transexual politely

[lisaevecali]

First off, when talking or chatting with a male to female TS (transexual), its very important to know (SHE) listens very carefully to the terms and words you use. Even if you knew HER from before SHE transitioned, it is not polite to refer to (HER) in male terms anymore. It hurts us when people do it. Some people knowingly use it to hurt us so we become a bit sensitive to it. Most people just don't know which terms to use. They want to say the right thing but are not sure what to say. Its always SHE or HER and so on with a male to female TS.

Many men that first chat with or talk to a girl like me make the same mistakes over and over. The worst is thinking they can go right into a conversation about what is in my pants or other very personal things. Many times on-line there is not even a hello first. They start with a question about what is in my pants. For most its not because they are trying to be dirty. It's a HUGE turnoff either way on many levels.

I was at a club call the Queen Marry when I first started going out dressed as a woman. A TG ( transgender ) club. A really great club that had been around since the 60's. A guy walked up to me one night and the first thing out of his mouth was a question. He was very good looking and seemed nice. The question was about what was in my pants and he asked it very bluntly. I asked him if he would ask the same sort of a question to a GG ( genetic girl ) that he just met and liked. He answered "No, of course not, I would probably get slapped and she would hate me". I asked then why did you ask me such a personal question right off, even before saying hello? He said, without a pause, "Its because your not a real woman, that makes you fair game" (his exact words "Fair Game" ) He knew I was upset and he walked away. I sat down and cried pondering my newly found place in society.

Another big mistake made over and over is to say what a turn on a TS is. Being reduced to a fet--- by a well meaning but h---- guy is awful and degrading. Many, if not most, doing this go right into a gay or bi s----l experience from their past or a list of s----l things they wait to do with a TS in the future. Not thinking for a moment that the TS might not want to be hearing any of it. I get very grossed out every time and upset.

We are seen by many, at first, as some sort of ride in some sick amusement park that they have built with their imagination.

One reason its so easy for some men to lie to us is because we are just a fantasy to them. We don't dress for s----l kicks. To a TS its not a fetish. Dressing as a woman is something we do everyday, before work, school or church. Its not fun and games its just life.

If you chat with a TS just think how a GG would react to your questions or comments. I know not all GG's will answer the same way but most men know that some things just don't fly if you want her to chat back with you.

If you have questions, make a connection with the person first. Chat about the weather or something normal in the beginning. Show us the common respects most people expect to be approached with. If you do get to the questions, everyone does, then ask politely. The wording means a lot. The polite way to ask, what is in HER pants, if there is such a thing as a polite way, is "Are you post-op or per-op?" I think its a rude question altogether personally but many TS's don't.

Post-op means you have had the surgery and pre-op means your still waiting to have it. Pre = before, Post = after. There is a Non-op TS as well, someone that for one reason or another, often medical reasons, can't have the surgery or does not want it. Again its "Are you post-op or pre-op?" Not so hard huh?

People are often surprised how easy it is to meet a TS at a club or on line. If you want to have fun in a very friendly club go to a TG club. We tend to be very open and friendly. With so little social acceptance at times, we tend to be far less judgmental about others. I find many TS's to be highly intelligent and can hold their own end of a conversation very nicely. There are a lot of very spiritual and some religious TS's as well. Many are political and well informed.

I guess in the end what I'm trying to say is its all about respect and thinking your actions and questions through first. For some reason respect and sensitivity seems to be the last thing on the mind of those curious about us. We are so far outside of the box that such normal pleasantries are not applied towards us. We on the other hand become quite sensitive to this disconnected thinking.

Just keep in mind that we are people first and transexuals second.

Sincerely

Eve

Here is some terms.

CD : cross dresser.

TG : transgender.

TS : transexual.

GG : genetic girl.

SRS : s----l reassignment surgery.

GRS : gender reassignment surgery (same thing as SRS just more PC to some)

PC : politically correct.

WC : who cares hehe


Eve :P

[starlifter1]

Your comments are enlightening. I have been guilty of "the question" albiet put as politely as I could. It was never my intention to hurt or disrespect anyone. I understand how you feel and shall heed your advice.

I would like to say though, that in so much as you want understanding and respect so do the men you deal with. It may be ( as in my case ) a simple matter of ignorance. A tactful correction would be in order, and I would think you could gleen something about his character in how he handles that correction. In order to be understood one must communicate and share, and perhaps at times educate, those you are speaking with.

We are all born ignorant, and it is through communication and sharing that we learn. If someone is genuine in their intentions and curiosity, then might I suggest patience and understanding for them as well. You may help him to become more enlightened and better able to understand your feelings. Thank you for your post, it was helpful to me, and hopefully I will not offend anyone in the future.

Although I ramain fairly ignorant of the TG community I am learning and welcome any insight I can gain in understanding.


Tony

[lisaevecali]

Thank you for the nice post. I cant count how many times I've tried to steer someone in the right direction - its why i wrote the blog in the first place. I do understand most are trying to say something that strikes up a conversation. I also understanding how confusing it can be with not understanding the difference between a man that dresses for s----l reason and a TS that dresses like a woman because she feels she is a woman. We are all mixed together in places like this so I give a bit of slack to those just starting out in our strange world.

However, there are many that start out being polite because that is just the way they are with everyone. When someone is being a pig and then claims ignorance, I have strong reservation about them and their character. I do realize asking simple questions is not being a pig even if they are personal. The way they ask say everything about them to me.

[(deleted)]

.Im just a very sweet transsexual looking for that man who i can be with 4ever!

[lisaevecali]

What on earth does that have to do with the topic?

[sean12345]

`thank you for the comment Lisa Eve. I think guys should treat new girls they meet (transg or bio) the way they would like other men to approach their sister at a bar, club, online, etc.

[(deleted)]

.I know I'm out of order here but frankly I'd like to be approached, period. I'm M2F in the HRT stage and just as when I was living as a male I'm still uncomfortable asking women out. Would someone clue me in when its OK to stop that and expect to be propositioned?

Signed-

Apology for my out of order post and-

are there any T lesbians out there??

Sharon

[lisaevecali]

I use to flirt with women all the time. Lots of women asked me out before. Now its very, very hard to meet women for dating. I have women ask me for S-- but not dating. Any woman that is just out to get laid and try something different is not my type.

If you do meet a woman that is interested remember to stay up beat. Other people like meeting happy people but run from the really sad and depressed ones.

Just hang in there Hunny. Its going to be rough at every turn. The best way I know to not feel down or sorry for yourself is to smile no matter what.

Good luck

Eve

[artimus]

Hi, I've recently started dating a pre op, TG woman, I love being with her, and I never felt love like they way she feels for me, but physically, we are a bit clumbsy, but we make it work. Her behavior, voice, everything about her is 'all woman' to me. But I would like to bring up the subject of surgery, but dont want to suggest any thing that she doesnt want to do. But I have questions like, how does the operation work, do post ops feel ------s?-how much is surgury-does insurance cover that type of procedure-which doctors should I talk to? I mean, being with her oes against every thing I was raised on, but she is just so amazing, that I dont want to be with anyone else-ever. But I love to give oral, and that is the road block in our relationship, please help me.-Artimus

[(deleted)]

`Wow, an excellent post and topic. And such refreshing responses from Non-TS'.

Thanks for posting it.

[girl2doorsdown]

`Wonderful post Eve!

I couldn't help but to relate to so much of what you wrote. In fact, a lot of it dug up feelings that I hadn't felt for a while.

And you're absolutely right about the "pronouns" (her & she). It mean's EVERYTHING! Why is that so difficult for people to understand?

In my own case, it's my family that has had the most difficult time coming to terms with the correct pronouns. I've been living full-time for almost 4 years now, and although I don't see my family very often, it's very difficult for me to hear that "he & him" stuff when I get together with them. We actually had a big falling out last holiday season over it. At this point I've all but conceeded that they will never "GET IT" (and you know what I mean). So, to all those who can't wrap their mind around the concept...I say F' em!

Thanks agian for a great post. Looking forward to more...it's a refreshing reminder that I'm not the only one going through all of THIS.

Sincerely,

Kassie

[(deleted)]

`Kassie, you mentioned that you don't see your family very often and that may be where the problem lies. I've been living full time for 4-5 years and I am post op. I've noticed that the family member who slips up on name or pronoun is also a family member that I rarely see. I live in Cal. and my family are in Mich. so I don't see them often. I've determined that if they saw me more often then of course they would get used to the new me much quicker. I've also figured out that when I speak to my family often, like every weekend, that it was easier for them to get used to my name and new pronouns. All I've had to do is gentle little reminders when the "slip" and they are becoming few and far between.

Artimus, you are an exceptional man in your openness with your girlfriend. Here are quick answers to your questions. My surgery took 4 hours. It's actually not that complicated. The cost of the surgery varies widely depending on where you go. In the US, Marci Bowers is about $18,000 where Gary Alter is about $35,000. I had my surgery in Thailand with Dr. Kamol and it was about $7,000. Dr. Kamol is very, very good and his results are amazing. I am so happy that I chose him. Some other notable surgeons are Dr. Su----, Dr. Sanguan. Dr. Chettaut, Dr. Kuna----, as well as others. There are very few insurance plans in the US that cover SRS. More and more this is changing. Mostly, they are companies, universities, government agencies who have included gender and gender expression in their HR policies and have mandated that their insurance provider add a rider to cover the associated costs of transition. As for functionality, my vagina is really no different than a genetic woman. It is self lubricating and totally ------ic. It is awesome. I couple of female freinds have been curious and asked to see it and they were blown away how it looked so perfect. I would suggest that you do some internet research as these surgeons all have websites and you can see photos as well as their price lists. When you find sites that you find appealing maybe show them to your woman and see what she says. If it is also important for you then you might consider helping her financially.

Eve, a very excellant post. I would add that men should approach a transwoman exactly as they would a genetic woman, with small talk etc. To just dive into personal questions is like asking a genetic woman if she is "putting out" within the first five minutes of meeting. Tacky! It is all about respect, sesitivity, sincerity, confidentiality, and genuineness.

[(deleted)]

`thank you so much for this post! before i came to this website i jus thought transexuals were objects of s----l desire. obviously i still knew they were people but didnt realise the social, emotional and personal struggles they faced. i spoke to my first ts today and may have messed it up due to my ignorance but hopefully what i have just learnt i may be able to save it.
cheers,
andy x

[jusdey]

firstly i must show love and give props to whom they are due.

Eve u are wonderful. i swear ur my big sis and neither of us knew it. the experience with the guy in the bar and u asking him "would u ask the same question to a gg" i cannot count how many times i have had to look a boy and ask him the EXACT question.

i cried about it when at first like u i realized that just by being me, somehow was turned into a screwed up fet--- to most of boydom. and yes i said BOYdom. men know to treat a lady with class reguardless of anything, especially if he is trying to proposition her.

love the tip something to the effect of "u should approach a girl how u would like a guy to approach ur sister"

thanks for tellin the boys that sean12345

it is with respect. and that means when the time is right to bring up S-- , u will both well know. chances are if she considers herself a lady it is not in ur first sentence, of the first ten minutes or maybe not even that night.
everyone knows that all most guys want/think about is S-- and thats cool. but if u want to get it from a girl with and class/ self respect, u gotta put in some work! and maybe even wait for it. surprise! dont gotta climb mountains, but u gotta do more than be like i think ur hot i wanna F*uck u. come on now.

i was amazed the first time a straight guy thought that it was enough that he identified as str8 and knew i was ts, but considered me "hot enough" that he didnt care and wanted to F*ck me (his exact words) and was surprised when i turned him down! i was like REALLY, what exactly made u think i would be so easy? i have theories but i dont wanna B---- for pages.
this unfortuantly wasnt the last time this kind of thing has happened.

to the guys that have read eve's post and were enlightened and are working on being gents to us girls, snaps to u, very nice to see that.

and here is where i wrap.. more to come im sure lol

ugh my prince, where be u?

lol

[(deleted)]

lisaevecali wrote: First off, when talking or chatting with a male to female TS (transexual), its very important to know (SHE) listens very carefully to the terms and words you use. Even if you knew HER from before SHE transitioned, it is not polite to refer to (HER) in male terms anymore. It hurts us when people do it. Some people knowingly use it to hurt us so we become a bit sensitive to it. Most people just don't know which terms to use. They want to say the right thing but are not sure what to say. Its always SHE or HER and so on with a male to female TS.

Many men that first chat with or talk to a girl like me make the same mistakes over and over. The worst is thinking they can go right into a conversation about what is in my pants or other very personal things. Many times on-line there is not even a hello first. They start with a question about what is in my pants. For most its not because they are trying to be dirty. It's a HUGE turnoff either way on many levels.

I was at a club call the Queen Marry when I first started going out dressed as a woman. A TG ( transgender ) club. A really great club that had been around since the 60's. A guy walked up to me one night and the first thing out of his mouth was a question. He was very good looking and seemed nice. The question was about what was in my pants and he asked it very bluntly. I asked him if he would ask the same sort of a question to a GG ( genetic girl ) that he just met and liked. He answered "No, of course not, I would probably get slapped and she would hate me". I asked then why did you ask me such a personal question right off, even before saying hello? He said, without a pause, "Its because your not a real woman, that makes you fair game" (his exact words "Fair Game" ) He knew I was upset and he walked away. I sat down and cried pondering my newly found place in society.

Another big mistake made over and over is to say what a turn on a TS is. Being reduced to a fet--- by a well meaning but h---- guy is awful and degrading. Many, if not most, doing this go right into a gay or bi s----l experience from their past or a list of s----l things they wait to do with a TS in the future. Not thinking for a moment that the TS might not want to be hearing any of it. I get very grossed out every time and upset.

We are seen by many, at first, as some sort of ride in some sick amusement park that they have built with their imagination.

One reason its so easy for some men to lie to us is because we are just a fantasy to them. We don't dress for s----l kicks. To a TS its not a fetish. Dressing as a woman is something we do everyday, before work, school or church. Its not fun and games its just life.

If you chat with a TS just think how a GG would react to your questions or comments. I know not all GG's will answer the same way but most men know that some things just don't fly if you want her to chat back with you.

If you have questions, make a connection with the person first. Chat about the weather or something normal in the beginning. Show us the common respects most people expect to be approached with. If you do get to the questions, everyone does, then ask politely. The wording means a lot. The polite way to ask, what is in HER pants, if there is such a thing as a polite way, is "Are you post-op or per-op?" I think its a rude question altogether personally but many TS's don't.

Post-op means you have had the surgery and pre-op means your still waiting to have it. Pre = before, Post = after. There is a Non-op TS as well, someone that for one reason or another, often medical reasons, can't have the surgery or does not want it. Again its "Are you post-op or pre-op?" Not so hard huh?

People are often surprised how easy it is to meet a TS at a club or on line. If you want to have fun in a very friendly club go to a TG club. We tend to be very open and friendly. With so little social acceptance at times, we tend to be far less judgmental about others. I find many TS's to be highly intelligent and can hold their own end of a conversation very nicely. There are a lot of very spiritual and some religious TS's as well. Many are political and well informed.

I guess in the end what I'm trying to say is its all about respect and thinking your actions and questions through first. For some reason respect and sensitivity seems to be the last thing on the mind of those curious about us. We are so far outside of the box that such normal pleasantries are not applied towards us. We on the other hand become quite sensitive to this disconnected thinking.

Just keep in mind that we are people first and transexuals second.

Sincerely

Eve

Here is some terms.

CD : cross dresser.

TG : transgender.

TS : transexual.

GG : genetic girl.

SRS : s----l reassignment surgery.

GRS : gender reassignment surgery (same thing as SRS just more PC to some)

PC : politically correct.

WC : who cares hehe


Eve



Hi, how are you. Very nice post. I'm TS admirer and I agree when you say before being a TS you are a person. I personally admire all the woman like you cause you have to be very strong to show the world what you really are once you discover yourself. For me TS's are just another kind of women with different feautures; with all the feelings and needs that any other human being. I love you girls. The one who's saying this is a straight man who lives with a GG; but I also love you babes.