Bucktarbrush, 50

On a marche sur la Lune "When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car."

The following instructions should help ensure your unit remains in full working order - failure to follow may result in invalidation of warranty.

Fact #1 - Never feed mushrooms (including related fungal products such as toadstools, truffles or athletes foot powder) - this will result in catastrophic sickness and probable total internal failure of your unit.

Fact #2 - Water with Italian white wine or Spanish reds. However, do not be tempted to water with milk (see Fact #1 for consequences). Note: other dairy products are acceptable - it's just a weird milk-thing.

Fact #3 - Most foodstuffs will ensure continued operation of your module, however the following have been found to enhance performance - Spaghetti Carbonara, Chicken Saag, Thai Green Curry, most pizzas (hold the anchovies), or a hearty beef stew and dumplings - if you're good to your Tarbrush he will happily cook his favourite FOR YOU...

Fact #4 - Get more bang from your Buck... To keep your unit working to optimum capacity, allow plenty of sleep in the mornings...

Fact #5 - This product can comfortably spend hours lazing in front of the TV, watching DVD's, movies or simply channel surfing - however he can be lured away with the promise of 'treats'.

Fact #6 - The BuckTarbrush has an infinite capacity for trivia and 'useful' facts - do not, under any circumstances, pay him any attention when a sentence begins: "Did you know..."

Fact #7 - Did you know that if you were to weigh all the world's ants and all the world's humans, the ants would be heavier (Don't say you weren't warned! - see Fact #6 above).

Fact #8 - This unit will grow under the tender tutelage of anyone with razor sharp wit, a sense of humour and a little wisdom.

So what are you waiting for? Take this exciting product for a test drive and see if y